Did you know that your hands are loaded with bacteria and other contaminants? They’re filthy! They spread disease! Oh, it’s just awful. And it’s not scientifically possible to sterilize your hands. You can, however, get them really, really clean. Here’s how!
1. First, you need to get some water going. We want it hot, hot, hot! The hot-water tap is contaminated, but that’s okay, because you’re about to wash. Touch it again, just to show how brave you are. Touch it one more time. Three taps wards off bad things. Now we’re ready to wash!
2. Next, choose your poison. What kind of soap is for you? Bar soap is out; other people have probably used it (a possibility too horrible to contemplate), and even if it’s unopened it’s made from animal fats, which is revolting. The whole thing just seems so dirty. Liquid soap it is! Choose an antibacterial formula if you’re worried about contamination from germs. If you’re worried about contamination from death, choose dishwashing liquid. It’s so death-free it’s safe to use on plates and flatware! But only if it’s BRAND-NEW. Even then, you never know. Okay, let’s skip the soap altogether. Plain water will be fine.
3. Rub your hands together vigorously and scrub, scrub, scrub. The Centers for Disease Control recommend you wash your hands for ten seconds, but what do they know? If they’re such geniuses why do people still get hepatitis? A full minute, minimum. How about this: you keep your hands under that tap until you answer the philosophical question “Is water clean?”
4. I don’t know if water is clean. What if water isn’t clean? What if water just makes you dirtier?
5. You’ll wash and wash and wash but you’ll never be safe.
6. Okay, try not to think about it. Let’s just say water is clean and move on.
7. But what if it’s not clean?
8. We’re moving on. This next part is tricky. Your hands are clean-but they’re wet. How to get them dry without getting them dirty again? The air-dry technique is best. Sure, it’s slow, but it’s safe. Simply hold your hands in the air until they’re completely dry. Be sure not to touch anything! If you touch something, or if for some reason you think you maybe touched something, go back to Step 1. Yes, let’s go back to Step 1 just to be safe.
9. Now we’re in a hurry. You’re going to have to dry your hands with paper napkins. That’s fine. Just make sure it’s a new package. Did you touch the part of the package that was sealed with glue? Is that glue? Glue is dirty. Wash again, just to be safe, then dry your hands on a napkin that absolutely for sure didn’t touch the glue.
10. Use a napkin to turn off the tap and another napkin to open the door on the way out. Some people won’t even touch the door with a napkin; they’ll just wait until somebody comes to open the door for them. But they’re crazy!
– Jennifer Traig
I found this in my book for Composition. Obviously, it’s an example of a Process Essay. Pretty funny!