Night is when one realizes that the poker face can only be held for so long.
She reached into the drawer she was going through. Her fingers touched something soft, and it crinkled when she rubbed it between her thumb and index finger. Sighing, she closed her eyes and grabbed for something else. All she wanted to do with that – that paper – at the moment was to crumple it, burn it,to just make it go away – to somehow make it understand. But there was no way. No way she could harm it in any form. She couldn’t and didn’t want to forget it or the time represented. Yet – she would give anything for those memories to haunt someone else.
She pushed the confusing thoughts aside. Pulling out bank statements and notebooks, she focused on the random lightness of the music she wasn’t even really listening to. It was quiet in the house. Too quiet. The rain pattered on the roof.
Looking back on the weeks, she realized how different she really was. To other people. To herself – she was a loudmouthed, obnoxious thing. She chucked and realized that she was probably not the only one who had thought that once or twice. But – lately she was quiet, withdrawn. She’d been told so. Suffer in silence – but it wasn’t just that. Rejoice in silence; everything in between suffering and joy.
Farther and farther apart. That was what was happening – with everyone outside her immediate family. Was this her fault? Probably. Make that most likely. She had changed. They had changed. What she really had was a crowd of something more like acquaintances. But it was she that had severed quite a few of the ties there…
The drawer was almost empty. She put the last few things in their proper places. All but one. She took it out. Forced herself to.
It was then that the quietness hit her. It was then that she realized that it was her fault. Her choice to feel this way. The pain that accompanied the knowledge of the fact that she was really the only one agonizing over this shot through her spine like ice.
She knew that she was never given something that she couldn’t handle. She knew that with Help she would make it through this.
Then why did it bother her so much?
She knew why. Petty, really.
Her mask breaking, she dropped the paper and went to the door.The rain was pouring, slicing through the air like knives. She opened the door and stepped out. Breathing deeply, she ran into the ran.
She sat down in the dark, wet grass.
She had watched girls at the mall with a slight jealousy. They were so close. She had watched sisters smiling as they walked.
Oh yes. She knew why.
She wanted a friend.
Getting up, she walked back into the house. She dripped on the carpet on the way back to her room. Grabbing the paper, she gently folded it up and put it back in the drawer.